Velvet and Paisley
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Denial, it's your friend!
2001-04-24 @ 10:18 a.m.

I am pissed off again and I don't know why. I am always so cranky lately. It's horrible. I constantly get pissed off at Aaron about little things that are not his fault. Then he just hugs me and tells me its ok to be in a bad mood. Topped off with "I love you". Why is he so sweet to me? Maybe my feelings about him stem from my deep rooted insecurities when it comes to the opposite sex. I don't know.

I saw my best friend in the whole world yesterday (Note: can you see the sarcasm dripping off). I saw Rubin's birthfather. He's on leave from the AirForce or something. Actually he's just here to aggravate me. Why else would he come here? His friends have all moved away. I know his mom still lives here, but she's a fat bitch. He does not really like her all that much himself.

Anyways seeing him drives me crazy. Because sometimes I can clear my mind completely of any trace of Rubin. Ya know, like I was never pregnant with him, never made an adoption plan, and never spent three months of my life in absolute despair after leaving him with his adoptive parents. Three months of swollen eyes from crying all the time. Three months of drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade almost everday (trying to drown my sorrow in a bottle).

And now after seeing Terry all those memories come flooding back to me and tears sting my eyes again.