My Pain was my Choice
2002-03-09 @ 10:33 a.m.
I am cranky. I am sad. I am lonely. I miss my two sons lost at my own hands, one to adoption and one to abortion. But I am not supposed to feel sad. It was my choice after all.
Sure my grandparents said they would kick me out, take away my car, and remove all the money from our joint savings account (even though it was all my own money), if I did not put Rubin up for adoption. Sure Aaron wanted me to have an abortion and would not have resented Holden and I, if I had continued my pregnancy.
In the end, however it was all me. I signed the termination of parental right and left my son in the hospital with his adoptive families. I had my other son surgically removed from his sanctuary within my womb and left him in a plastic jar to be sent to the lab for examination.
It was all me. I was selfish. I was weak. I was afraid. I was the child that had remained dormant since the birth of my daughter. I don�t know how I will ever live with the decisions I have made and nobody understands. I cannot grieve because it is all my fault. I go through the motions of living my life, but I feel like an empty shell of the person I once was.