Rubin (long)
2002-04-15 @ 9:22 a.m.
This story has been trying to come out for a very long time. I just did not feel like I had the strength to endure completing it.
When Velvet was almost a year old, I went out for the first time in almost two years. It was New Years Eve. I had two screwdrivers and locked myself in the bathroom for periods of time with a bottle of wine. I spent most of the evening being followed around by various friends with bowls in their hands (in case I threw up).
Then everyone left the party to go to another guy�s house. I rode in Ryan's car with Cindi and Terry. Once there Terry and I had sex. The first time in a year and a half I had sex, I also got pregnant.
I wanted to keep the baby. Terry wanted nothing to do with me. My grandparents wanted me to place my son with an adoptive family or have an abortion. I told my grandparents I would consider adoption all the while trying to plan a way to keep him. I did contact a prospective adoptive family during this time and met with them.
Well before I came up with a plan I went into labor at thirty-five weeks lmp. I had my son an hour and twenty-nine minutes after my water broke.
My grandfather was with me in the hospital so I knew there was no chance of taking my son home with me. I sat in the bed holding him and trying my hardest to memorize every detail of his face. I played with his hands and kissed his head. I had my grandfather take pictures to commemorate forever the short time he was mine. I named him Rubin Ian.
The next day the couple I had previously been in contact with came to the hospital and I placed my son into his mother's arms and turned and walked away. I did not look back. My heart was breaking and I did not want anyone to see my pain.
I changed my mind the next day, but could not think of an excuse to go back to Lewiston (30) miles away on a Sunday so I waited till Monday. Then instead of going to LCSC, I went to the hospital. The adoptive family had already taken my son home, but the social worker at the hospital was willing to go to bat for me and he called their lawyer. Unfortunately the adoptive parent�s lawyer called my grandfather and told them what was going on. My grandfather came to the hospital and tried to intimidate me. It did not work and he left.
It was set the next day I was to go pick up my son. I was told to go home, pick up Velvet, and then stay at a friend�s house. I went home. My grandparents said they would take my car away, all the money out of the joint account I shared with my grandmother, and call CPS on me. I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I went through with the adoption. On Tuesday, I went to my lawyer�s office and signed my termination of parental rights. Then I went home.
The pain that followed cannot be described. I mourned the loss of a child that was still alive, but I would never know. My milk came in and was a constant reminder of the son I was supposed to be nursing. I became suicidal. I fell into a deep abyss of depression. Binge drinking, sleeping around, and other self-destructive behaviors occurred during the following four months it took me to get my life straightened out again.
I have a semi-open adoption because I did not research adoption enough while I was pregnant to realize there were visitation options available. In my agreement I received pictures six times the first year. I can receive pictures four times the second year and twice a year every year until his eighteenth birthday.
I'm not sure if I even want to receive pictures any more though. I mourn the loss of the baby I left in the hospital. The pictures I receive are of a toddler I don't know. Even though the bond between us is inseparable, he is a stranger to me. Chances are he will not want to meet me when he turns eighteen because males are less likely to seek their birthparents, but if he does I will welcome him with open arms. If he doesn't I will deal with it. I will not look for him though because I do not want to invade his privacy.
At least I know he is healthy and appears to be happy. Even though it breaks my heart to say it, adoption probably was the best option. I just could not see it through my pain.
P.S. Later tonight I will post pictures of Nolan (his parents changed his name).